Undeserved Gifts are Hard to Accept...

I don't know how many will understand what I'm thinking about -- and that's OK, because I seldom do either.   This feeling is much like the one I get when I have an opportunity to sing with a really talented musician, and I get caught up in the joy of throwing down in a quartet, or playing with harmony while the pianist plays against my tune as well.   It's a relationship thing -- we give each other pleasure, and we share something intangibly beautiful -- because when the echo subsides, there's no evidence of it remaining, except in our joy, and in our memory.

I felt that with Inspiration -- one of the reasons for choosing that name for the quintet I had so much fun singing with.

I feel that when I stay after church and sing with Denny Richards and his wife.    So much talent.

I feel it when John Phipps says "How do you feel about a men's quartet for Worship Sunday?"

Immense pleasure -- wrapped in guilt -- guilt for enjoying something I shouldn't enjoy so eagerly.

I've been told it's my Catholic upbringing.   Maybe, but I really don't think so.   It brought me steadily through the twisted passages of childhood without losing a love for Christ and a desire to be with Him.  It's more likely that I just know what lurks in the heart of this man (The Shadow knows!) and I don't feel worth the Joy God gives.

The good news is that I'm learning to realize that God loves me and enjoys giving these gifts.   I'm learning that even if He hates the thoughts I confess to Him, He loves to hear from me.   And because He loves that I am His -- He blesses me with gifts of music, and with pearls of Wisdom from His Word.

Tonight I "had to" write a meditation for Communion tomorrow night.   I dread those times, because I don't feel I have anything to tell anyone that they haven't already heard.    I mean -- people have been doing communion meditations in churches for how long now?    What could be left to say?

And then I open His Word -- and He blesses me with something I hadn't thought about before.   Tonight it's a picture of the significance of the Cross.    A simple old Hymn that I never particularly cared for came to mind, and the Bible Scripture attached to it led me to others, and before I realized it, I was in tears of wonder at the immensity of His love for us.   He poured it out onto the paper, and I love what He says...  and I feel guilty for being eager to tell my Friends what He said.  ;-)

But rest assured.   I'll get past the guilt, because this is one gift I can't wait to open.

Thank you, Lord.

"...my Lord says, "Come," and I seek my home where He waits at the open door."

Randall Downey Original Music well worth listening to.

Oh, I've missed this!

When I was in college, I got involved in listening to all my roommate's albums.   What a landscape of sound!
I just found on Pandora.com my Favorite Jean Michel Jarre cut -- "Ethnicolor 1".    The whole track isn't on "The Essential" album, or at least, not on Pandora.   But the memories!  This is one of the first synthesizer artists I found -- and it was because of the unusual timing and the 'vocal' quality of the soundscape that it caught my ear.   It has "it".

Isao Tomita is still a favorite -- and today he engages actively with his internet following.   I like the guy.
I love "Space Walk" for being my first Tomita, but my favorites are "The Planets", and "The Grand Canyon".   "The Bemuda Triangle" holds a good deal of interest also.  At the end of the Grand Canyon, "Syncopated Clock" has always amazed me -- that he was able to so perfectly synthesize whistling...

Tangerine Dream is another favorite, and Vangelis!   Albedo 0.39.   BladeRunner is amazing because of this guy!  I need more.

I'd not listened to these favorites for so many years, and to have them in my ears as I work each day now -- it's been wonderful!   The music excites me, and makes me work faster -- it sparks memories of a time when I had more energy -- it makes my heart feel happy.

Why did I put it down for so so long?

Welcome back.   Now where can I get a bean-bag chair so I can listen properly?

What have I not mentioned in this same vein?   Someone help me.

A New Beginning

TIME WARP!

I found this in my drafts folder from 2009.   I don't want to lose it -- so, better late than never, here it is.

---

Several New Beginnings, actually...

This week was a very stressful one, due to some very unexpected news. I was given the privilege of participating in a 'reduction in staff' at my former company of 20+ years.

The first day was surreal. My mind raced, and I was continually thinking of things that had to change. Cancel the business cable internet. Send back equipment borrowed over the years. Pepare the online banking for the day that no direct deposit comes. Price plane tickets to Ireland...

No, I know, that last one was totally inappropriate, but I'll admit I did it. Thinking this is the only time I'm going to have enough time off to go and enjoy it. Seriously, I was messed up that day.

The next day was the day of numbness. I'd stand in a room and wonder what I came there for. "Ok, look, a copy of FrameMaker. They'll want that back..." I spent that day dismantling computers and pulling their hardware, gathering the equipment that doesn't belong to me, and wondering whether they'd really want it back. And if they don't, what will I do with it?

The next day I searched high and low for my resume. I know it was on a computer. But then I thought. That was 16 years ago that I made that resume up. That was several computer chassis ago, and I don't think the resume made it all the way. So I need to start from scratch.

In many ways, this change is a starting over from scratch. I realize how little of my Computer Science I remember. My Calculus book stares me down and taunts me. I know I still have it -- I am surprised -- pleasantly surprised -- when I find I can still help my daughter on her homework. That's a good feeling. ;-)

I don't remember how to interview. How to write a resume. How to go about finding jobs to apply for. All of this will be new again for me.


But that's not the only new beginning, I'm happy to say. I went walking today. This is something I should have been doing for years now. I went walking, and it felt good. I can't say it feels good now, but it felt good then. This is the beginning of what I will make a daily regimen. Ack -- that's such a harsh word. A daily routine. A daily stretching, walking, and eventually running routine.

For one thing, I seem to have the time now. There's no more 'I had no time -- I had to get to work' excuse. Gone, dead, nada, zip. My health requires this change of habit. I've been -- uncomfortable at times during the day, and I worry about it being the beginnings of heart disease. I don't really think it is, but I don't know what that feels like. The not knowing is the worst. Just the worst.


So there you have it. When forced, this old dog can choose to do new tricks.

What will happen next?

Quiet Outside -- and In

The last several weeks have been as close to insane as I'd like to ever get.   I've been working long hours at work.   I'm lead on two projects at once, each competing for 100% of my time.    I'd like to think I've done well, but the Bible was right.    I cannot serve two masters.   But I don't love the one and hate the other -- I'm ready to chuck both and set out on my own.  Neither gets the time it deserves.

Of course I can't leave my job; there are better days on the near horizon.   I'll finish these projects and a new one will come to take their place.

Add to this the impending Easter weekend, and the Cantata that has to be sung, the pressures at home, the Son I hadn't seen in weeks...   It all built up.   At one point, on Thursday, someone turned a practical joke on end, and I thought I was in big trouble at work.    Thank Heaven they were kidding!   But it brought me to my limit.   I was at my emotional bottom.  The three-day weekend came at just the right moment for me to collect my thoughts...   Or so I thought.

On Monday after Easter, my Wife and my Son were to leave on a bus to go visit Der Mouse in Florida.  So the weekend was a blurred mass of shopping and packing and preparing.    My wife's Birthday would be on Monday (My April Fool!) as well, and I wanted to take her to dinner.   There was too much on her mind to really enjoy it -- I should have seen it.

So Monday came.   So did the Bus.   And I was left at home.   Alone.   I honestly think this is the first time since my daughter was born -- 20 years -- that I've had to spend a week alone.   We get so used to people around us, caring for the house, doing the laundry, cooking meals.   And suddenly, when I come home, EVERYTHING is exactly where I left it.    Nothing is done.   And I hear...  silence.

Silence like I've not heard in 20 years.  

I realize I haven't even spoken out loud all night, because there's nobody to hear me.  

I do laundry, not to make her happy.   Not to have clean clothes.   Just because I can't think of anything better to do with nobody!  

Wow.   This is weird.  

The first night I was in a frenzy -- doing everything I could think of.   Clean up the kitchen, take out the trash.   Laundry.   Watch a couple episodes of MI-5.   Then head to bed.   I turn on the bed warmer on her side -- not because she'll be there, but because I know I'll reach over there looking for her, only to find the bed cold otherwise.    No need to stack her pillows.    Hard to fall asleep because I know work hadn't gone well, and I didn't have the solution in mind.   Eventually, I was out, and it was morning.  

Do it again.

Tonight, though, is different.    Tonight, work went well, and I got home a smidge earlier.   I remembered to eat right away.   Last night I waited till 10 o'clock because I forgot to eat.   Tonight, I enjoyed the quiet outside, but I think I enjoyed the quiet inside even more.

I can do this, and I know it.

But I will be so glad to have her home and in my arms.    To have my Son to look up to. :-)
I will be glad when they are home.