I have been privileged -- dare I even say it? -- blessed with many friends and acquaintances over the years I've graced the surface of this planet, and some of my favorites have been those I've met only online.When I think back, I remember fondly a favorite teacher, my best friend from down the road, a favorite aunt, friends from school, my ex-girlfriends, the small group I sang with in High School, another I sang with in College, My roommates, my floormates, the girl I met the first day of class, my Brothers and Sisters in Christ, my coworkers of 20 years... the list goes on and on of the people who have in some way touched my life. What's embarrassing is the small number of those people I stay in touch with. What's disheartening, is the small number that care to stay in touch with me. Those I do keep in touch with are those with an online existence, for the most part.
I recently caught up with someone I considered to be an important College friend. He lived on the same floor as me -- we shared interests -- we skipped classes together, watched movies together, ate pizza together. Yet we grew apart after I got married. I was too absorbed in my own life to remember his. Years later when I wanted to reach him, I'd lost all the tendrils leading back to him. With a name like "Smith", he wasn't easy to track down. But I finally found him -- 1600 miles away. I hope to keep up with him from here -- as an online friend, because we're no longer 'real' friends.
What's the point of all this? Just this. Friends and acquaintances are as important as the importance you give them. We can't physically maintain a continual 'real' relationship with that many people, but we can keep tabs on each other, and social media like facebook, YouTube, Vloggerheads, twitter, etc are simply tools that make that job -- and it is a job -- easier. I've learned that If a friend is important to me, I need to make the effort to keep in touch, make myself a part of their life, and be a friend. If it's returned, bonus, but at least they know I have a desire to maintain a friendship. That alone can affect whether or not they keep in touch with me. If I wait for them, they'll wait for me, and contact will be lost.
Is all this just basic knowledge to most people? Perhaps. For me it's an effort, because I tend to be the introvert's introvert. Relationship is a skill I continually learn how to master. Because of this, from my perspective, there is little difference between an online and an offline friend. What is it? The offline friend is HARDER work, because I can't connect day-in-day-out on the Internet. Strangely, and MUCH to my advantage, many of my 'real world' friends have recently popped up on facebook, so they're hybrid online-real-world-friends. I love it.
Peri Urban recently posted a video on Vloggerheads -- a site I no longer frequent -- considering once again whether any of this on-line friendship and community is "real". HE makes some very good points. I can't sit across the table from him and have a cup of coffee without logging onto a computer and a social networking site -- or travelling to Scotland. (Which I'd be willing to do if anyone would care to fund the trip...). I'm NOT going to show up when (Let's say if) his house burns down. And most disappointing to me, I can't play in his studio on a whim and help cook up something fun we can sing together. In that sense, we're not real friends. We don't have a shared history other than YouTube and Vloggerheads. Losing this 'friendship' we have would be as easy as never sending an e-mail or visit each others site again. I have become convinced that he and I each find something interesting enough about the other that we're not going to let that happen. One or the other of us sends a "Hey" not when we haven't heard from the other in a while. And I so appreciate that. I still drop in on his blogs, and I have no doubt, he's rubbing his scruffy little chin whilst reading this right now. So what is thus based upon? I don't really know. We're similar in some ways, but so different in others. But I know I enjoy the relationship -- whether it's a 'real friendship' or not.
Matt Hellyer (who dropped my name in his response to Peri -- do I need to send him a $20 for that?) is in Bosnia Herzegovina, having moved there from someplace in the UK (Horsham, was it?) Matt and I have a similar tenuous Internet friendship -- bolstered a bit, perhaps, by a shared faith, but really having nothing else in common than a level of interest in each other's videos...
Then there are the many people who go to my church that are also connected on Facebook. The online existence seemed to be uncomfortably redundant at one time. I almost felt as if my online existence was invaded by real people. Shy as I am, this was a major cause for concern! But here's the strange thing that happened. One by one, those friends have been leaving the church I attend, and going to other churches. I don't see them weekly anymore. When this happened in the past, those relationships were lost and forgotten, unless we made the effort to maintain contact. (Seriously, this is an effort. I can't even manage to get Christmas Cards out to people each year. Relationship stuff is WORK folks!) Now, however, I see those people almost more than I see the people at church. They're on my facebook. They comment on my cookie I had for lunch, and the pie I baked. They laugh at my attempts to make up funny status descriptions, and we stay in touch -- but they've made the transition from 'real' friend to 'online' friend.
So you see, the line between has become blurred. And I suppose that is my point. Where there used to be 'real' friends and 'online' friends, and one made you sane and the other made you crazy, there are now simply 'friends'. And I like it this way! Don't make me go back.
All friends require a certain level of care and 'feeding' to keep the relationship healthy. I don't think it makes sense, going forward, to continue to draw a distinction between 'online' and 'real' friends. Just make sure you give care and feeding to those who care enough to feed you.
And Thanks -- to those who care enough to call me 'friend'. You are appreciated more than you will ever hear from me, I assure you.
-dan'l
